Into The Woods
by Evita Camillio
Summary: Into The Woods/CATS crossover. The cast of CATS get together to perform Into The Woods for the glory of the Everlasting Cat. Maybe not incredibly original, but I worked hard on it, so NO FLAMES, please!


Disclaimer: I own neither "CATS" nor "Into The Woods". The musical of the dancing felines belong to T.S. Eliot, Andrew Lloyd Webber, RUG, RUP, and a whole bunch of other peoples that could sue the pants off my French Monkey if they so chose, so please, no offence meant! I don't know whom "Into The Woods" belongs to, but sufficed to say it's not me. The French Monkey situation applies there too.

Enjoy!

  
  


__Into The Woods__

  
  
  
  


The scene opens on the Jellicle Junkyard, shrouded in darkness. The moonlight plays strange shadows amidst the piles of junk, and gleaming sets of feline eyes shimmer. Slowly, the yard is infused with light and there appear from invisibility the tribe of Jellicle cats. A cacophony of sound is quick in rising...

Rumpleteaser (staring in surprised disgust at a script in her paws): 'Into Th' Woods'? Whot's this?!

Alonzo: I've never heard of it before.

Bombalurina (holding a limp costume at arm's length): We-ell....it's better than those old boring ones.

Munkustrap: True. I was getting sick of Phantom of the Opera.

Victoria, Electera, and Tantomile (in harmony): The Phaaaaaaaantom of the Op-er-a is here!

Macavity: I don't know; I was getting rather fond of watching you be the evil villain for once.

(A group of toms rush onto the scene)

Mistoffelees (waving the script in the air): I'm a witch. A WITCH!! Not a magician, not a mage, a _witch_. You know what people'll think when they hear that? They'll think I'm a **girl!**__

Coricopat: Mistoffelees, I'm a witch.

Mistoffelees (ignoring him): And it doesn't help that on top of it all I'm Bombalurina's mother! How could they do this to me?!

Bombalurina: No comment.

Deuteronomy (patting him on the head, while intensely relieved that he and Grizabella were left as directors): The Everlasting Cat works in mysterious ways. 

Cassandra (moaning): I don't even have a name! I don't want to be known as 'the Baker's Wife'! What kind of chauvinistic humans wrote this thing?

Alonzo: It's okay, dear.

Jellylorum: Okay? Okay?! I have to play the evil stepmother! I'm not evil!! Am I evil? I'm not evil! I didn't think I was evil...

Jennyanydots: You're not evil, dear.

Etcetera: And I'm not a cow!

Mistoffelees: And I'm not a girl, either!

Jemima (trying to make a peace offering): You get to sing about beans.

  
  


Mistoffelees: Oh, yay.

Munkustrap: Maybe...we should get this over with. Costumes on, everyone?

Bombalurina (mumbling): I'm gonna drown in this hair...

~*~

Cast

The Narrator - _Coricopat_

Cinderella - _Demeter_

The Baker - _Alonzo_

The Baker's Wife - _Cassandra_

Jack - _Pouncival_

Little Red Riding Hood - _Jemima_

__The Witch - _Mistoffelees_

Rapunsel - _Bombalurina_

Cinderella's Father - _Gus_

Cinderella's Stepmother - _Jellylorum_

Florinda- _Victoria_

Lucinda- _Electra_

Jack's Mother - _Tantomile_

The Baker's Father - _Mungojerrie_

Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother - _Jennyanydots_

Cinderella's Prince - _Munkustrap_

Rapunsel's Prince - _Macavity_

The Royal Steward - _Plato_

The Wolf - _Rum Tum_ _Tugger_

The Tree/Demeter's mother - _Etcetera_

The Cow - _Etcetera_

The Giantess - _Rumpleteaser_

  
  


~*~

  
  


Act 1

  
  


(Curtain opens on three scenes: Demeter washing the floor of her home, Pouncival and his mother Tantomile in their hovel, and Alonzo and his mate Cassandra in their bakery. All are frozen in place and do not move until they begin to sing. Off to one side of the stage, in plain sight, is the narrator Coricopat.)

Cori: Once upon a time...

Dem: I wish....

Cori: In a far off kingdom

Dem: More than anything...

Cori: Lived a family

Dem: More than life...

Cori: A sad young lad

Dem: More than jewels...

Pounce: I wish....

Cori: And a childless baker

Pounce: More than life....

Alonzo&Cass: I wish...

Cori: With his wife.

Pounce: More than anything....

Alonzo&Cass: More than the moon...

Cass: I wish...

Dem: The king is giving a festival....

Alonzo: More than life...

Pounce: I wish...

Dem: I wish to go to the festival

Alonzo: More than riches...

Dem: And the ball

  
  


Pounce: I wish my cow would give us some milk

Cass&Dem: More than anything

Alonzo: I wish we had a kitten

Pounce: Please, pall

Cass: I want a kitten...

Pounce: Squeeze, pall. __

Dem: I wish to go to the festival

Pounce: I wish you'd give us some milk

Cass: I wish we might have a kitten

Pounce: Or even cheese

Dem: I wish...

  
  


(Enter Jellylorum, Victoria, and Electra onto Demeter's portion of the stage)

Vic: You wish to go to the festival?!

Cori: The poor queen's mother had died

Electra: You, Demeter?

Vic: The festival? You, Demeter?

Electra: What festival?

Both: You wish to go to the festival? The festival? The _king's_ festival?

Cori: And her father had taken for his new mate 

Jelly (scornfully): The festival!

Cori: A queen with two daughters of her own.

Vic: Look at your claws

Electra: Look at your dress

Jelly: People will laugh at you

Dem: Never the less

Jelly, Vic, & Electra: She still wants to go to the festival, and dance before the prince? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha (etc.)!!!

Cori: All three were beautiful of face, but vile and black of heart. Pouncival, on the other paw, had no father, and his mother...

  
  
  
  


(change attention Pounce)

  
  


Tant: I wish

Cori: ...well, she was not quite beautiful.

Tant:I wish my son were not a fool. I wish my house was not a mess. I wish the cow was full of milk; I wish the walls were full of gold; I wish a lot of things! (to Pounce) You foolish child! What in the Everlasting Cat's name are you doing with the _cow_ inside the _house_?!

Pounce: A warm environment might be just the thing Etcetera White needs to produce his milk.

Tant: It's a she! How many times do I have to tell you? Only _she_'s can give milk! 

  
  


(change attention to the bakery)

  
  


(Enter Jemima)

Jem: (knock, knock, knock!)

Cass: Why, come in, little kit.

Jem: I wish...It's not for me, it's for my granny in the woods. A loaf of bread, please. To bring my poor old hungry granny in the woods; just a loaf of bread, please.

  
  


(change attention to Dem)

  
  


Cori: Demeter's stepmother had a surprise for her

Jelly (giving a pot to Dem): I have emptied a pot of lentils into the ashes for you. If you have picked them out again in two hour's time, you shall go to the ball with us.

(change attention between Dem & the bakery)

Jem: And perhaps a sticky bun...or four....

Dem: Birds in the sky

Birds in the eaves, in the leaves

In the fields, in the castles, and ponds

Jem: And a few of those pies...

Dem: Come, little birds

(a group of plastic birds on a string descend from the sky. special effects compliment to Misto, and Pouncival who tried very hard not to eat any.)

Jem: Please

Dem: Down from the eaves and the leaves

Over fields, out of castles and ponds

  
  


(change attention between Dem and Jem and Pounce)

  
  


(Pouncival is sitting beside Etcetera the cow)

Pounce: Now squeeze, pall

(Demeter gestures with the pot as the birds flutter around her) 

Dem: Ahhh ah ah ah ah ah (etc.)

Quick, little birds

Flit through the ashes

Pick and peck

But swiftly sift through the ashes

Into the pot

Tant: Listen well, son. Etcetera White must be taken to market.

(she indicates the Etcetera, who is looking much worse for wear) 

Pounce (hugging Etcetera possessively): But mother! No! He's the best cow!

Tant: Was. Was! _She's_ been dry for a week. We've no food nor money, and no choice but to sell her while she can still command a price. 

Pounce: Etcetera White is my best friend in the whole world! 

Tant: Look at her! There are bugs on her dugs. There are flies in her eyes. There's a lump on her rump, big enough to be a hump!

Pounce: But...

Tant: Son. We've no time to sit and dither, while her withers wither with her. And no one keeps a cow for a friend. Sometimes I fear you're touched!

Jem: Into the woods, it's time to go

I hate to leave; I have to, though

Into the woods, it's time, and so

I must begin my journey

  
  


Into the woods, and through the trees

To where I am expected, ma'am.

Into the woods to Grandmother's house!

(picks up a cookie and stuffs it in her mouth, singing around it) 

Into the woods to Grandmother's house!

Cass: You're certain of your way?

Jem: The way is clear, the light is good

I have no fear; nor no one should

The woods are just trees, the trees are just wood

I sort of hate to ask it

But do you have a basket?

Alonzo: (wrapping a loaf of bread in a towel and putting it in a basket, which he hands to Jem): Make sure you save some of those sweets for granny.

Jem: Into the woods, and down the dell

The path is straight, I know it well

Into the woods, and who can tell

What's waiting on the journey?

(Jemima takes roll after roll as she sings and puts them into her basket. Cassandra shoots an agonized look at her mate and Alonzo takes them out again from behind Jemima.) 

Into the woods to bring some bread

To granny who is sick in bed

Never can tell what lies ahead

For all that I know, she's already dead...

(pauses to think about that one)

But into the woods!

Into the woods!

Into the woods!

To grandmother's house

And home before dark!

  
  


(back to Dem)

  
  


Dem: Fly, birds

Back to the sky

Back to the eaves, and the leaves,

And the fields, and the castles, and...

(the birds ascend back into the ceiling)

(Enter Victoria and Electra in their festival finery)

Electra: Hurry up and do my hair

Vic: Demeter, are you really wearing that?

Electra: Here, I found a little tear; Demeter, can't you hide it with a hat?

(Demeter climbs on a chair behind the two to attend to them)

Dem: You look beautiful

Vic: I know

Electra: She means me

(Demeter starts on Victoria's headfur)

Vic (to Dem): Put it in a twist

Electra: Who will be there?

(the two babble amongst themselves)

Dem (to herself): Mother said be good, mother said be nice, that was always their advice. So be nice, Demeter, good Demeter, nice, good, good, nice...

Vic: Tighter!

(as she sings she gestures with Electra's head, getting more and more violent)

Dem: What's the good of being good, if everyone is blind, and you're always left behind? Never mind, Demeter, kind Demeter, nice good nice kind good nice...

Vic: YEOWCH!!! (**slap!**) Not that tight!

Dem: I'm sorry...

Vic (ruffled): Klod.

(Electra giggles at the two and doesn't hush until she's threatened with a slap from Victoria as well. Demeter goes back to doing their hair.)

  
  


(back to the bakery)

  
  


Cori: Because the baker had lost his mother and father in a 'baking accident'- well, at least that is what he believed -he was eager to have a family of his own, and concerned that all efforts until now had failed. 

Misto: (knock, knock, knock!)

Cass: Who might that be?

Alonso (peeks out the door and runs back in, terrified): It's the witch from next door!

Cass: We have sold our last loaf of bread... 

(Enter Misto)

Alonzo&Cass: We have no bread.

Misto (in a 'duh' tone of voice): Of course you have no bread!

Alonzo (confused): What do you wish? 

Misto: It's not what_ I_ wish. It's what _you_ wish. (points to Cass) Nothing cooking in there now, is there? 

Cori: The old enchanter told the couple he had placed a spell on their house.

Alonzo: What spell?!

Misto: In the past, when you were no more than a babe, your father brought his young wife and you to this cottage. They were a handsome couple, but not handsome neighbors. You see, your mother was with kittens, and she developed and unusual appetite. She took one look at _my_ beautiful garden, and told your father, that what she wanted more than anything in the world, was...

_ Greens_, _greens_, and nothing but _greens_! Parsley, peppers, cabbages and celery, asparagus and watercress, and fiddlefern and lettuce. He said, "All right", but it wasn't, quite, 'cause I caught him in the autumn in my garden one night! He was robbing me! Raping me! Rooting through by rutabaga, raiding my arugabaga, ripping up the rampion, and my champion- my favorite!- and I should have laid a spell on him right there! Coulda turned him into stone...or a Peke...or a chair....heh heh. 

But I let him have the champion and had lots to spare. In return, however, I said "Fair is fair. You can let me have the kitten that your mate will bear. And we'll call it square".

  
  


Alonzo (hopefully): I had a brother?

Misto: Noooo!!! But you had a sister...

Cori: But the witch refused to tell him any more of his sister; not even that her name was Bombalurina.

Misto: I thought I had been more than reasonable. But how was I to know what your father had also _hidden_ in his _pocket_! You see, when I had inherited that garden, my mother had warned me that I would be punished if I ever were to lose any of the beans. 

Alonzo&Cass (bewildered): Beans?!

Misto: The _special _beans! I let him go; I didn't know he'd stolen my beans! I was watching him crawl back over the wall when **BANG**, **CRASH**, the lightning **FLASHED**...

Oh, but that's another story. Never mind. Anyway...

At last the big day came, and I made my claim. "Oh, don't take away the kitten!" they shrieked and screeched, but I did, and I hid her where she'll never be reached! Your father _cried_, your mother _died_, but for extra measure, _I admit, it was a pleasure_, I said "Sorry, but I'm still not mollified," and I laid a little spell on them! You too, son.

That your family tree would always be a barren one! 

(Cassandra shrieks in horror and she and Alonzo fall to the their knees in dispair, reaching for each other. Mistoffelees pokes them apart with his staff, rising into the air and cackling evilly.)

Hehehe hehheheheh!

Soooo, there's no more fuss and there's no more scenes, and my garden thrives, you should see my nectarines, but I'm telling you the same I tell _kings_ and _queens_! Don't never never **ever** mess around with my greens! 

_Especially the beans_.

  
  


(change to Pounce)

  
  


(Tantomile hands Pouncival the reins to Etcetera)

Tant: Now, listen to me, Pouncival. Lead Etcetera White to market, and fetch the best price you can. Just remember: no less than five pounds...Are you listening to me?!

Pounce: Yes. 

Tant: How much are you to ask? 

Pounce: No more than five pounds... 

(Tant pinches his ear)

Pounce: Less! Less than five! 

Tant: Pounce, Pounce, Pounce, brains of a louse

The house is getting colder

This is not a time for dreaming!

  
  


Chimney stack, starting to crack

The mice are getting bolder, the floor's gone slack

Your mother's getting older, your father's not back

And you can't just sit here dreaming pretty dreams!

  
  


To wish, and wait, from day to day

Will never keep the Pekes away

  
  


So into the woods, the time is now

We have to live; I don't care how

Into the woods to sell the cow

You must begin the journey

  
  


Straight through the woods, and don't delay

We have to face the market place

Into the woods to journey's end...

Pounce: Into the woods to sell a friend...

Tant: Someday you'll have a real pet, Pounce.

Pounce: A piggy?

(Tant shakes her head in disbelief)

  
  


(back to the bakery)

  
  


Cori: Meanwhile, the witch, for purposes of his own, explained how the baker might lift the spell.

Misto: You wish to have the curse reversed; I'll need a certain potion first. Go to the wood and bring me back:

1.) The cow as white as milk!

2.) The cape as red as blood! 

3.) The hair as yellow as corn!

4.) The slipper as pure as gold!

Bring me these, before the chime of midnight in three days time, and you shall have, I guarantee, a kitten as perfect as kittens can be.

(Alonso and Cassandra stare)

**Go to the wood!**

(Mistoffelees disappears in a puff of smoke)

  
  


~*~

  
  


By unanimous vote, all stop to gasp in exhaustion.

Pouncival: Everlasting Cat!

Munkustrap: Yes, I know...Goddess, Misto, are you alright?!

(Misto is on the floor, turning blue and gasping for breath from a combination of magical smoke and singing far too fast)

Mistoffelees: Ack!

Tantomile (glaring at her brother): You said I was not quite beautiful.

Coricopat: Well...you, erm, can't be b-b-beautiful, because...erm.... that would m-m-make _me_ beautiful; we're identical, y-y-you know. And I can't b-be beautiful, because I'm a t-t-tom. So, it all makes p-p-perfect sense...

Tantomile (sighing): I hate it when you stutter.

Etcetera (moaning): First a cow...now a tree...why can't I ever have a _feline_ role?

Bombalurina: I'm not even in this yet and I'm tired! How much more do we have to do?

Demeter (leafing through the script): Uh...quite a bit.

All: Nooooo!

  
  


~*~

  
  


(back to Dem)

  
  
  
  


(enter Jelly, Vic, Electra, and Gus)

Jelly: Queens! Our carriage waits!

Dem (holding out the pot of lentils): Now, may I go to the festival?

Jelly: The festival?! Darling, those claws; darling, those clothes; lentils are one thing, darling, but those - you'll make us the fools of the festival, and mortify the prince!

Gus: The carriage is waiting!

Jelly: We must be gone!

(they all trounce off. Demeter tries to catch her father Gus' attention.)

Dem: Good night, father!

Gus: Huhhh, g'night...

Dem: I wish...

  
  


(back to the bakery)

  
  


(Alonzo rushes onstage with a jacket)

Alonzo: Look what I found in father's hunting jacket!

Cass: Six beans?! 

Alonzo: I wonder if they are the... 

Cass: ...witch's beans? We'll take them with us! 

Alonzo: No! You are not coming!

Cass (blackmailing him): I know you are fearful of the woods at night. 

Alonzo: No, the spell is on my house! Only I can lift the spell...

Cass: No, no!

Both: The spell is on my/our house!

Alonzo: No!

Cass: We must lift the spell!

Alonso: You are not to come and that is final! Now...what am I to return with?

Cass: You don't remember?! The cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as gold!

Alonzo (repeating) : The cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as gold...

Cori: And so Alonzo set off reluctantly to meet the old magician's demands. As for Demeter...

  
  


(change attention between Dem and Alonzo)

  
  


Dem: I still wish to go to the festival!

Alonzo (muttering): The cow as white as milk...

Dem: But how am I ever to get to the festival?

Alonzo: The cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn...

Dem: I know; I'll visit mother's grave!

Alonzo: But what?

Cass (reminding him): The slipper

Alonzo: The slipper as pure as gold!

Dem: The grave at the hazel tree! And tell her I just want to go to the king's festival!

Alonzo: The cow, the cape, the slipper as pure as gold!

Cass: The hair...

Alonzo&Dem: Into the woods, it's time to go

It may be all in vain, I know

Into the woods, but even so

I have to take the journey

  
  


Into the woods, the path is straight

I know it well, but who can tell

Alonzo: Into the woods, to lift the spell!

Dem: Into the woods to visit mother!

Cass: Into the woods, to fetch the things

Alonzo: To make the potion

  
  


Dem: To go to the festival!

All: Into the woods, without regret

The choice is made, the path is set

Into the woods, but not forgetting

Why I'm on the journey

  
  


Into the woods to get my wish

I don't care how; the time is now

Into the woods...

  
  


(scene changes to a dense wood, through which Demeter, Alonzo, Cassandra, Pouncival, Etcetera, Tantomile, Jemima, Victoria, Electra, Jellylorum, and Gus are a-traveling)

  
  


Tant: ...to sell the cow!

Pounce: Into the woods, to get the money

Cass: Into the woods to lift the spell

Alonzo: To make the potion

Dem: To go to the festival!

Jem: Into the woods to grandmother's house!

Into the woods to grandmother's house!

All: The way is clear; the light is good

I have no fear; nor no one should

The woods are just trees; the trees are just wood

No need to be afraid there

Alonzo&Dem (frightened): There's something in the glade there...

All: Into the woods, without delay

But careful not to loose the way

Into the woods, who knows what may

Be lurking on the journey

  
  


Into the woods to get the thing

That makes it worth the journeying

Into the woods

Vic, Electra,&Jelly (riding past in a carriage): To see the king

Pounce&Tant: To sell the cow

Alonzo&Cass: To make the potion

All: To see, to sell, to get and to bring

To make, to live, to go to the festival

Into the woods!

Into the woods

Into the woods, then out of the woods...

And home before dark!

  
  


(change scene to a huge tree, at the base of which is a gravestone and Demeter)

  
  


Cori: Demeter had planted a branch at the grave of her mother. She visited there so often, and wept so much, that her many tears watered it until it became a beautiful tree.

Dem: I've been good and I've been kind, mother, doing only what I learned from you. Why then am I always left behind; mother, is there something more that I should do? What is wrong with me, mother? Something must be wrong! 

(up in the tree, the face of Demeter's mother appears,)

Etc (melodramatically): Oh, child, specify! Oportunity is not a lengthy visitor; and good fortune, like bad, can come when least expected.

Dem (sobbing) I wish...

Etc (interrupting): Do you know what you wish?

Are you certain what you wish is what you want?

If you know what you want, than make a wish

Ask the tree, and you shall have your wish!

Dem: Shiver and quiver, little tree

Silver and gold, throw down on me

I'm off to get my wish!

(a silver and white dress falls out of the tree. Demeter catches it before it hits her in the face and runs off)

  
  


(change scene to Jemima, who is skipping along a path in the woods. Enter Rum Tum Tugger, the Peke)

  
  


Tugger: Good day, young lady.

Jem (warily): Good day, Mr. Peke

Tugger (staring at Jem as she skips past): Mmmmmm....ahhhhh!

Look at that flesh; pink and plump!

Hello, little kit

  
  


Tenter and fresh

Not one lump

Hello, little kit

  
  


This one's especially lush

Delicious! Mmm, ahh!

(to Jem) Hello, little kit

What's your rush?

You're missing all the flowers!

The sun won't set for hours!

Take your time!

  
  


Jem: Mother said "Straight ahead"

Not to delay or be misled

  
  


Tugger: But hello, little kit!

Hark, and hush

The birds are singin' sweetly

You'll miss the birds completely!

You're traveling so fleetly!

  
  


(to himself) Grandmother first, then Miss Plump

What a delectable couple!

Ah, to perfection

One brittle, one supple, 

(to Jem) One moment, my dear!

  
  


Jem: Mother said "Come what may,

Follow the path and never stray"

  
  


Tugger: Just so, little kit, any path

So many worth exploring

Just one would be so boring!

And look what you're ignoring!

  
  


(to himself) Think of those crisp, aging bones

Then something fresh on the palette

Think of the scrumptious carnality twice in one day!

There's no possible way to describe what you feel

_When you're talking to your meal!_

  
  


Jem: Mother said not to stray

Still, I suppose a small delay

Granny might like a fresh bouquet

  
  


Goodbye, Mr. Peke

  
  


Tugger: Goodbye, little kit. 

And, hellooooooo!

Arooooooo!

  
  
  
  


~*~

  
  


Etcetera: AHHHHHHHH!

(All stare at her)

Jennyanydots (realizing the bloodcurdling scream is merely the hero-worship cry of an obsessed tennie-bopper): Etcetera, darling, he's not doing his song from the ball.

Tugger (edging away from the kittens that are closing in on him, holding out his Peke snout): No! Get away; I look like a Peke! You don't want...

Munkustrap (watches them chase him offstage): Well, we've made progress.

Demeter: What are you talking about? We haven't even made it past the first midnight yet!

Bombalurina (coming up behind her and putting an arm over her shoulders): Demi, dear, you're pessimistically raining on our parade.

Mungojerrie: Whoi are we doin' this, anyway?

Deuteronomy: The Everlasting Cat has asked for a token of our devotion. It was Gus' idea to perform this play.

(All turn to glare at Gus, who's singing blissfully to himself)

Munkustrap: Right. Well, the show must go on. Back to your places, everyone.

  
  
  
  


~*~

Author's Note: Well, I hope you liked this, and I hope it wasn't too confusing. I'll try and put up more, but it's close to impossible to find a complete script of "Into The Woods", and I for one happen to like the narrator's little observations. Not to mention the plot. 

So, in order to give you the complete play, I will have to kill my friend and get my copy of the video back from him. Until then, please have patience, and be a nice kitten and review, even if you didn't like it! Thanks!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
